Nicole Lipkin
You know those shelves—those ones from a certain Scandinavian brand, that seem simple until you’re sitting on the floor surrounded by 47 screws, a useless hex key, and your last shred of patience? That’s basically my nervous system right now. Fragile. Slightly crooked. And somehow expected to hold everything.
The holidays haven’t even started yet, and already the shelf is starting to sag with back-to-school transitions, work deadlines, kids’ sports, activities and social calendars, and friends wanting to make plans. And everyone still expects you to function like a well-oiled machine. Or at least show up with your hair washed.
Social media lifestyle gurus want us to stay calm and breathe; take a moment for self-care so we can center ourselves and regulate our emotions so our kids can co-regulate. Sounds great…in theory. The problem is it’s hard to regulate anything when your internal shelf is overloaded with the hot mess of the external world.
Here’s the part we don’t talk about enough. It’s not just the tasks that break us. It’s the weight of expectations. The invisible kind. The ones that tell you to be nurturing and calm, but also decisive and productive. That you should know when your child is melting down because of low blood sugar or a deeper existential crisis. That you should somehow do all of this while still remembering to text your friend back and drink water.
Dr. Nicole Lipkin
So, if your shelf feels wobbly, it’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong. It means your capacity is stretched. Sometimes, things just need to shift or be removed. It might mean someone doesn’t get something from you that they wanted but isn’t imperative. You’re prioritizing, and they’ll survive if it’s not imperative. Most people find ways to figure out another way forward—even your kiddos. In the meantime, you’ve protected yourself so you can show up in a way that works best for you.
Expectations were never supposed to be these fixed, permanent things. They’re meant to shift and adjust. They’re supposed to help you respond to life, not trap you in it. But at some point, a lot of us ended up treating them like they were carved in stone.
No one handed us a rulebook. We just absorbed messages through osmosis, repeated them to ourselves—consciously or unconsciously—and started living by them like they were fact. And then when we don’t meet them, guilt shows up and not quietly, but loudly.
That familiar, creeping guilt that says we should be doing more, showing up better, never dropping anything, ever. And if we listen to that guilt without pressing pause? It morphs into shame, resentment, and eventual burnout that that isn’t cured with a good night’s sleep. That’s the kind of weight that doesn’t just sag the shelf, it knocks the whole thing over.
So maybe don’t wait for the collapse. Break the expectation instead. Try to acknowledge the stress in the moment, the expectation fueling it, recognize it, say hi to it, determine if it’s helpful or harmful, and then let it go if it’s overstayed its welcome. Though it may not feel like it in the moment, it’s a choice you can make.
Dr. Nicole Lipkin, Clinical & Organizational Psychologist, CEO of Equilibria Leadership Consulting, Founder of HeyKiddo, mama who wears business gear up top and gym clothes down below with no shame.
